Finding Strength To Carry On, Even When You Don't Feel Like It

2015 Started with the wrong foot for me at a personal level. Even though I've been trying to keep my smiley face on and positive attitude, it's hasn't been easy. Especially when I got punched by a fist of bad news on the same week my son was having his second surgery. There was a new announcement every day that week.

Health problems with three family members, my mom going back to Colombia to help after being with me through all of my motherhood career ("I don't know how to be a mom on my own!") and wait for it: a call from the Women's Clinic telling me I had High Grade Dysplasia and needed a L.E.E.P procedure asap. Fun. 

Let's be clear on something: I'm not writing this to rant or to make you feel pity for me. I already had my dose of self pity, because I believe it is healthy to let negative feelings have temporary permission to burst out (I give them a couple of hours or a day, depending on how bad it is). Letting my negative feelings have free range for a limited amount of time  allows my strength and courage to have a rest, breathe, and come back with more power to face what I have to face because you can't simply run away from your problems. 

It's okay to take one step back if it's the one that will give you the impulse to stampede forward.

The reason why I'm sharing all these things with you is because we tend to believe that people with a positive attitude through life and those who always have encouraging words on their lips for everyone are on a pedestal and nothing hurt them or make them doubt about themselves. I'm constantly trying to remind everyone that nobody is perfect and therefore we shouldn't compare ourselves to anyone. 

This is me showing you my vulnerability, so that you know that we are the same. It is okay to feel defeated every now and then; to feel like you can't keep on going, to feel lost, to feel that you are not good enough, to feel angry, sad or cry for hours. But here's the game changer: 

How much freedom and power are you going to allow all these negative feelings?

And here is the reason why I give them temporary reign: To let them know I'M in control; not them. I let them burst because I want to; NOT because THEY want to. Keeping control gives me POWER over them. The next day, I write down a game plan:

- Which problems can I fix? I list them and each one gets it's own list of things I have to do to solve them and I get started right away. If I need help, I ask for it whether I feel embarrassed to ask or not.

- Which problems I cannot fix? Well, here's where my spirituality comes in play and this is personal to everyone. I don't care what religion or ideology you practice, but as long as you have one to hold on to, these problems will be easier than you could believe. I'll share with you how it helps me but YOU have to tailor it to what works for you:

Since I opened my heart to God, it has been quite the journey of learning to forgive myself (because God had already forgiven all my sins) and to learn to trust Him. I've always been the kind of person to try to plan and control absolutely everything, and most of it came to frustration because there are things you just can't control. So learning to trust Him was very hard. Many times I pass him the steering wheel hesitantly and most of those times I would rip it off His hands and try to do it alone, just to fail again. But I gotten better at it because I have found peace in doing that; all my fears are washed away, literally. For example, when I got the news of the High Grade Dysplasia, I couldn't think anything positive out of it. All I could think of was the probability of losing my uterus after talks with my husband of wanting to have another baby this year, or the probability of the L.E.E.P. not working and my Dysplasia developing onto cervical cancer. These fears try to hunt me constantly. But I can't control what's going to happen. I can only do my best which is to allow the doctors do what they do best and place it all on God's hands because He knows better than me what's in store for me. Because He won't put anything on my plate that I can't handle. Because if something bad Does happen, it'll make me stronger. These thoughts bring me peace. I was at peace the day before the procedure and the day of the procedure. The only time I felt nervous was thinking about how painful the procedure was going to be. To my relief, apart from a little spot where the freezing anesthesia didn't work, it was completely painless. 

How do you find the strength to carry on, even when you don't feel like it? Would love to hear about your experience and learn from you too. I'm always on listening and learning mode!

The Pebble Analogy

I Alef Seladi am feeling today like a pebble on the shore. So many of us hopefully waiting for the hand that will find us and throw us into the river where amazing travels and adventures begin; where dreams come true and we are useful. But if you're on one of the bottom layers of pebbles, the chances of being chosen are lowered. I feel as one of those bottom pebbles; with lots of promise and talent to be the perfect fit for that hand that's looking for me but yet the hand gives up after searching on the surface and conforms with one of the top pebbles even if it's not that great, but "it'll do". 


I have been living in this new city for almost 2 months now; yes, it's a short time but I'm yet to have a job as a photographer. I'm full of determination, imagination and creativity; it literally floods my mind everyday to a point I have to write it or draw it down. Not to brag but I AM talented. Years of studies and practice in theory, arts, inspiration, aesthetics were not in vain. Years of exercising my eyes every day to learn to REALLY see the world are not to be taken lightly; I literally have a trained eye for beauty.


The competition is vast but they're not all good which is sad. I feel frustrated by the concept of beauty this city has. Where is it anyway? It's as if the hand looking for a perfect flat and shiny pebble chooses a roundish one that looks more like it came out of an animal and believe, actually believe, it will work to bounce on the water. I have met amazing photographers in this small time and they all suffer with the same situation. How can art boost in a city that does not have the eye to choose among the best? I have seen it happening not only in photography but all kinds of art. Well, I think dance it's an exception. But it seems more like a popularity contest rather than a talent show; believe me, the best ones never win popularity contests.


We, the professional, passionate and dedicated photographers are here, looking for you, waiting for you. But the first step is yours to take; to choose us, to trust us. To really dig your hand into that pile of pebbles to find the one you wished for. We do our best to yell, stretch our hands, jump and shake to get to the surface but it won't matter if you don't train your eyes as well. Hope I get found. I've been screaming but no results yet and my savings are slowly disappearing... I'll have to make drastic changes if I want to stay in this city. I HAVE to stay in this city; I sacrificed everything for it. This has to work because I can't simply go back.